A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”