Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Oh we’ve met.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Isn’t
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”