My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions