I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]