[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.