I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling