Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I told my vodka about you.