[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.