me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.