Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Mission: Impossible
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)