I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*