me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You Might Also Like
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.