person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*