*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings