[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what