New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape