how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
San Francisco has too many rules
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day