Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Beware of fowl play.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.