Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months