Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex