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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
This is my emotional support knife.