Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Saturday
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.