Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*