Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying