[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Facebook memories be like
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.