Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
adding to the discourse
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀