Blew my mind.
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
anyone else like Italian cereal
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you