I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.