Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
definitely did not do anything wrong
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.