Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Ffs laughed out loud 😂