trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”