Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.