Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Beware of the dog..
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”