If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it