My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
You Might Also Like
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
True