[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“No way.” -Jose
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?