The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
never ask a starfish for directions
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could