Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
An odd boast
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do