You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
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Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.