[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real