“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country