If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You Might Also Like
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know