I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”