Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.