In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
some Old Testament wisdom
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.