Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
only 11 steps left
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Candles never taste the way they smell
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Have kids, they said
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Friday night party time 🥳
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
i meant to share this earlier
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time