Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds