“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….