[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
For the orator and chef in all of us
My hips? Compulsive liars.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”