I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.